The Prairie Home Advertiser

I tuned in the Garrison Keillor radio show (unintentionally) for the first time in 12 years and was startled to hear the host deliver a commercial for the breakfast cereal Total.  Garrison told lies about the vast number of vitamins and minerals this food contained.  (I’d never consciously thought about it, but the name Total suggests the absolute apex of wholeness.)  Garrison spoke in a rhapsodic, nostalgic voice, clearly imagining himself narrating a radio show in 1932.  But 78 years have passed since 1932, and we now know that injecting synthetic vitamins into a cardboard-like processed food does not constitute true nutrition.

Children and the credulous will believe Mr. Keillor, who also leads choruses of “May the Circle Be Unbroken,” while the 91% of his audience who are college graduates will perceive his irony.  But that is the evil of capitalism.  If only 5% of the Prairie Home Companion audience is hoodwinked, Total still makes a profit.

“Battle Company Is Out There”

“Battle Company Is Out There” by Elizabeth Rubin, February 24, 2008, New York Times Magazine

Though not a terribly well-written piece, it is wonderfully observed.  Elizabeth follows just one group: the Battle Company of the 173rd Airborne Brigade Combat Team, stationed in the Korengal Valley in Afghanistan.  At this local level, the war is utterly absurd.  The village elders politely endure the Americans and support the insurgents.  The US troops fight an elusive, near-invisible enemy, who dupe them into battling again and again for the same hill.

Elizabeth captures an element of warfare that most people miss: it’s a game.  One side wins, one side loses.  Essential to the game is courage and quick thinking.  Also luck.  The American troops suffer the humiliation of losing battles despite their immense technological and economic superiority.  With their dying breaths they praise the enemy, who prevail through flexible tactics, popular support and deep religious faith.

The New York Times

Anyone who doubts that the New York Times is a secular religion should note that they declared: “[Stephen] Sondheim is God” (in a review of “Sondheim on Sondheim,” currently playing at Studio 54).

A New Slogan

I was going to write: “The Republicans should change their slogan from ‘Drill, baby, drill!’ to ‘Spill, baby, spill!’, but Google revealed to me that 2,738 humorists had already thought this up.

The Gaia Hypothesis

I’m reviving the Gaia hypothesis, the theory that the earth is a living being.  When she heard that President Obama was allowing off-shore drilling, Gaia struck back, destroying an oil rig off the coast of Louisiana.  This was an act of justifiable self-defense.

On Goldman Sachs

The Vandals sacked Rome, but Goldman Sachs America.

Corporate Populist Rage

One of America’s successful products right now is Corporate Populist Rage: a political fury among working people which absolutely conforms to the wishes of the Corporate Elite.  Thousands of talk radio stations, plus Fox News, manipulate this “dissent.”  (But it’s quite rare in print, for some reason.)  Tens of thousands of Americans are on the verge of revolution, to defend the rights of Exxon, Pepsi and Citibank against the mild incursions of the Obama administration.

(The only problem with this product is it can’t be exported.  No other country on earth will accept this philosophy.)

On Tiger Woods and David Letterman

Some men become so famous and rich that they are no longer qualified to have friends.  Instead, they must have girlfriends.

They would probably rather sit around with a bunch of guys, but what guys will drink beer with a superstar?  So they are forced to confide in high class models and pretty comedy writers.

The Next Bombers

First there was the Shoe Bomber, then the Underwear Bomber.  What’s next? I have the answer: the Shirt Bomber, the Collar Bomber, then the Hat Bomber.  Clearly the evil mastermind behind all these despicable acts is slowly moving up the human body.  Only a forensic intuitive like myself would notice this.

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Shouldn’t there be a genre in between talk radio and music radio: i.e. “musical comedy radio,” where, at heightened moments, Sean Hannity breaks into song?

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I was thinking, “Easter is a holiday based on a miracle that didn’t happen,” then I remembered I just celebrated Passover, which is based on 27 miracles that didn’t happen.

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It’s much easier to hotwire a lawnmower than a car.  That’s why many criminals now are stealing lawnmowers, and driving them off into the suburban night.

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Here’s a way to dramatically lower the murder rate: allow drug dealers to sue each other in court.  Drugs will still be illegal, but dealers will be allowed to hire lawyers.  Thus, they will negotiate solutions without shooting each other.

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